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Carroll's Journal (Disturbia)

So far, I haven’t been going through many withdraws in the absence of my relationship with my ex. Oh sure, there’s a been a night here and there where I talk myself into thinking that I kind of, sort of, maybe perhaps miss her. The truth be told, she’s better off without me. I might be better off too. Now obviously, it’s always flattering when a girl almost half your age finds you appealing to some degree. No man (or woman) can be blamed for the feeling that derives from the attention of someone younger and most certainly, very attractive and sexy. Let’s face it, it’s human nature to fall into the mood.

Of course, I always felt deep inside that she was too pretty for me. But that would be the shallow side of my dark self coming out. Sure, there probably has to be some kind of physical attraction, but for me, even though she is soooooooooooo pretty, I still had to like other things about her and be somewhat lured into her personality, intelligence and such in order to be able to carry on some kind of relations. And like-wise, her towards me. The fact still remains that I always felt she could do better than me. And this disturbs me on several levels.

I know when my mother reads this, it will disturb her too. It may even destroy the image she has carried about me for all this time. I mean, my mother has pretty much known me since I was born - and to this point of my life - her image of me has always been that I am the center of my own admiration. In other words, it’s always about me. Not to take away from the fact that I do go out of my way often times to help others. However, in her humble opinion, it’s still me seeking for attention. Even when I try and do good.

Maybe she’s right. And that disturbs me too.

I don’t think I do it on a conscious level. I suppose if I look back I will see that there many times I gravitated to the drama. Or - as I claim - it gravitates to me and …. I merely accept it for what it is. Either way, I do believe it will disturb her to know that I felt my ex could do better than me. But maybe that’s because I know myself better than anybody else. I know my faults and flaws. I know my secrets. Nobody really knows me 100 % - not even momma bear. Oh, sure, she will say she does, but she doesn’t. She might be able to guess at a lot of things, but not even she knows EVERYTHING!

Sorry mother. Does that disturb you?

I bring it up because there is another girl in the picture. A girl I know I will never end up with, but can’t help being involved. I also know that ultimately, she will be better off without me too. For some reason, I have been thinking a lot that every girl is better off without me. And no, it’s not a confidence issue, but more a knowledge issue. The pressures and responsibilities of a relationship is greater the price than what I am often times willing to pay. I mean, you want my heart? Fine, take it! It’s broken anyway and doesn’t work anymore. You want my soul? Here you go, enjoy it. It’s a stick in the mud so, knock yourself out. You can even have my mind. Just leave me enough of it that I can still do my writing. I just don’t believe that any of that stuff is who I am. The deeper truth is, I don’t even know who I am or what it is in this life that defines me anymore.

 This is disturbing.

I always thought that when I quit working that I would discover who I was and what I was all about. And yet, here I am almost seven years later and … I still don’t know. Worse than that - I don’t know why I don’t know. So I tried to break it down and this is what I came up with. “I’m just a guy who likes to be his own boss.”

I also like my freedom. Pure freedom.

But what is it that defines me? Is it my songs? Is it my books? Is it my poetry? My blog? My love for football? My womanizing? My charity activities? What? I mean, if I had a child of my own then maybe I could point to him (or her) and say, my kid defines me. But I don’t have one. (One that I know of anyway) so now my mind is a blank. And yeah, maybe all of it defines me but what definition best describes me? On the one hand, there are some who will say, he could write like nobody’s business. And others would say, he cared about children and women. Then there are those who would say, “Man, that guy could party!” or “That guy sure did get around. (If you know what I mean)”

So then I guess there is the good side and the bad side. But which side dominates? For me, I think it’s close to being equally distributed. I really am the Dallas Cowboys. You either love me or hate me, and either way, people seem to be drawn to me by some mysterious force. It’s like, they always want to know what’s going on. Those who hate me just keep watching because they think there is a train wreck coming and they want to be there when it crashes. Maybe because they know that I like doing things big and so the crash would be well worth the wait. It’ll be a hell of a crash! Then again, it would also be a chance for them to laugh at my pain. When you hate someone, that’s the thing that is always worth watching and waiting for.

I mention it also because I discovered recently a few people whom I thought “liked” me actually “loath” me. I could never tell because they are always so friendly towards me. Now I know why. They are waiting for the “big crash”. And the reason they don’t care for me? Because they don’t approve of my life-style. Yes, I am being judged. Aint that a kick in the ass?

Do you know how disturbing that is?

Pay no attention to my babbling right now, I am still mourning the loss of my two teams in their fantasy football leagues championship game. They both lost. And with it, I lost two grand this past fantasy football season. (Note to self: No more money leagues!) This now makes two years in a row that I have not won a championship with any of my teams. I’m losing my touch. This disturbs me. I also know that I will probably talk myself into playing the money leagues again next year. That is more than disturbing, it’s disturbia!

Better luck next time champ.

Allow me to share with you a recent conversation between my mother and myself.

Me: I have good news and bad news.

Mother: What’s the good news?

Me: There is a website that monitors web/blog stats and according to it, my blog has an estimated value of approximately 64,000 dollars.

Mother: Is that American dollars or Yen?

Me: (Laughs for a few seconds) American dollars.

Mother: That’s great! So, what’s the bad news?

Me: Nobody wants to buy it.

Mother: (Laughs for a few seconds) That sucks.

*** And scene***

How do these websites come up with this crap? Seriously! My blog is worth 64,000 dollars? Really? On what basis is this estimate founded on? I would sure like to know. I did some checking with some other “blogs” thinking that they might have some value and BA-BAM! There was no information for them. Both of these blogs are also with “Blogger”. What does it all mean Basil? Apparently, nothing. But at least I have bragging rights over these other two blogs. For whatever that’s worth. Then I go back in and see it fell after about a week to 32,000 dollars. It’s like the stock market, apparently, just up and down from day to day.

Seriously though, it’s disturbing.

I have been talking with a handful of people who wants to start multiple sites to help fight the Goodreads bullies. The idea that is swimming around is, we each start one of our own. We even have gone so far as to come up with names for them. Mine would probably be called “The Other STGRB” while a few others would start theirs with names such as “Fight The Goodreads Bullies”, “Standing Against Goodreads bullies”, “Badly Behaving Goodreader’s” and “The Goodreads Bullies Official Website”.

I still have yet to decide if I want to participate in this. It’s a chore just to over-see this blog and my “Carroll Bryant Collection”. But mostly, the idea is that we mostly link to “STGRB” and perhaps talk about the issue of cyber-bullying in general. It’s still in the conversation mode for now, but I will more than likely make my final decision when I return from San Diego at the end of March. Yes, I am off on another road trip to California. (Leaving around mid March). I think this time, I will probably just drive. I have some stops between Ohio and California I wish to make. Why am I going to California? Well, I am going to go on a few auditions. I am going to give it the old college try. Not expecting anything, just going to enjoy the experience. And no, it won’t be a new “career” if I get a part in some film or TV show. I just want to do it once or twice, three times the most, then go back and focus on books and songs. Speaking of which, I am back in the studio working on another new song and getting around to release my next book. I have kind of been a little slack in that department.

I know what you’re thinking. “More STGRB websites? How disturbing.” - LOL

I know what else you are thinking. “Carz in Hollywood? How disturbia!” Ha-ha-ha

Maybe to get your mind off of it, you can participate in the “Year Of The Cat” contest. You never know, you just might win! The questions will be posted soon, just days away in fact so, what you waiting for? Those questions aren’t going to answer themselves. Or will they? O_o

Okay, that was a little disturbing.

As for the blog, do I have some things on the back-burner right now. I would reveal some of it to you all, but I was recently notified by one of the bullies that they are still stalking me like a hawk, and they have something cooking because they more or less warned me of future “technical difficulties”. Now, I’m not quite sure what that means, but because we’re talking about cyber-bullies here, it could be just about anything. We already know they are not beyond trying to sabotage interviews or try and shut my blog down. So, whatever they have planned - I’m sure they will try and carry it out. I mean, that’s what bullies do, right? They stalk and try to cause trouble for others. This is why I fight against them. But as the old saying goes, “Misery loves company” and who could be more miserable with their failed lives than a bully?

Okay, now that is DISTURBIA!!!!

I got mother moved into her new place. It’s going to take some getting used to. The divorce will be finalized within the next 30 days, or so I am told. Honestly, this doesn’t do a whole lot to reinforce the wonder of getting married. It scares me more than I can say right now. I know some of them (marriages) stand the test of time, but the odds don’t exactly excite me. If I am going to gamble like that, I’d rather do so with my money, not my heart. It’s been through a lot already. (For many of us, that is just too true and … way too disturbing.)